You know I’ve been going down a road of self-discovery over the last month. I’ve been trying to share about my journey in the hopes that it shows you God’s goodness even in suffering. If you need a refresher, check out my highlights.
Since moving to our new house in August, it’s as if a veil has been lifted from my eyes. I recently read a quote that has captured pretty much what I’ve been going through lately: “The truth will set you free. But not until it’s finished with you.” - Dallas Foster Wallace
For the last two years, I’ve been suffering with postpartum depression in so many different ways. It’s manifested itself in sadness, exhaustion, anger, frustration, lack of faith, lack of intimacy, lack of trust, and on and on. The depression came in waves because once I started to feel better, I found out I was pregnant again, and then had that baby, and entered into depression again. I was extremely lonely in our small town, but didn’t realize it.
I lost interest in things that made me joyful. Stopped having fun. Focused so much on being the perfect wife, perfect mom, and running a perfect business. Yet continued to fail over and over and over again. I would get up every day running full-steam ahead, trying to be busy and good and happy, without really feeling that way. A mess.
It wasn’t until our move that I realized how absolutely lonely and sad I truly was. I was isolated in our small town. No friends to see during the week. Far from family. A new wife, in a new city, with babies, and a completely distorted belief system. It was the perfect storm.
I hit rock bottom when we moved because the veil was lifting. I realized that I had been lonely as friends started popping over and I saw my family more. I then began to read some amazing books that really opened my eyes. For so long I thought marriage and motherhood were the beginning of my struggles, but really my struggles began so much earlier. In college, my faith began to take root but I also internalized a lot of wrong beliefs that drove so many of my decisions as I grew. I took that belief system into marriage and into motherhood, and after two babies in two years, my world began to crumble.
And now here we are.
I’m processing and working through all of this online because I want to show you all that God is good even in suffering. I want to talk through the thoughts I have and share what I’m experiencing because I know that many of you are right where I am. And I’m so tired of us all feeling alone. Because we aren’t.
You’re going to see a lot more of my writing. I used to write all the time, and I haven’t in so long. It will be unfiltered. It will be raw and real. And I’m excited and hopeful for how this will help heal me and bring me back to a place of joy in my life.
Thanks for joining me.